When Arthur crosses paths with celebrity footballer Danny Varrow (Karl Howman) he spies a nice little earner. Danny has a story to sell and if Arthur can locate Fleet Street’s finest – Ronnie Raikes (Antony Douse) – then he hopes he’ll be quids in.
Terry’s assigned to mind Danny, but he’s a wanted man. Not only is he being pursued by Leo Rafferty (Sean Caffrey), a bookmaker who’s rather miffed that Danny’s been sleeping with his mistress Jenny (Adrienne Posta), but the shotgun-wielding Arklow (Forbes Collins) also wants a word …..
All About Scoring, Innit opens in the countryside, where the bucolic peace and quiet is shattered by Danny’s efforts to escape Arklow and his shotgun. Subtle is not a word you could use to describe Forbes Collins’ performance here.
If the viewers were wondering exactly who Danny was, then the next scene neatly fills in the gaps. Arthur holds up a paper in which Danny’s latest disappearing act is featured prominently. Danny might be a talented footballer, but he’s equally as talented at drinking, gambling and chasing birds. George Best is an obvious real-life parallel. Unsurprisingly, Terry respects him (“one of the chosen, he is”) whilst Arthur is much less impressed (“he’s a muddied oaf”). But once Arthur realises just how much money Danny makes – and how he may be able to cream a little off himself – his opinion changes ….
Although the story may be a little thin, the interaction between Arthur and Terry is so good that this really isn’t a problem. There’s plenty of wonderful little moments spread throughout the fifty minutes, such as Terry’s desire to clock off so he can head over to Stamford Bridge to watch Chelsea. Arthur is affronted by this – who will unload his sporting goods? Terry’s answer is brief and to the point. “Balls”.
He elaborates. “Ping pong, for the playing of”. After leaving Arthur holding a box of ping pong balls, it’s inevitable that the box is going to break and the balls will go everywhere. Out of nowhere Arthur finds himself besieged by a gang of kids (“go on, go and play in the river”).
Next we see Arthur – preparing to enter the Winchester – observe a gang of football fans walking down the street. Since they’re somewhat boisterous, he pops back into his car, pulls his hat over his eyes and waits for them to walk on by. After they’re out of earshot he feels brave enough to call after them. “Thickheads. Louts. Come back and try that again and I’ll push you through the wall”. After he’s made his heroic gesture he spies an old woman standing in the street. “The highway’s quite safe now madam, I’ve seen them on their way”.
Arthur walks into the Winchester, bemoaning that you can never find a copper when you want one. He then wonders who originally said that. “G.H. Chesterton, wasn’t it? Or was it the Bard himself, George Bernard?” Simply glorious.
There’s a chance to see the grimy reality of early eighties football since Minder was able to shoot at Stamford Bridge during an actual match. This gives the story a little extra reality as we spy Terry standing on the heaving terraces. It leads into another classic comedy moment as Terry incredulously spies his name on the scoreboard, requesting him to contact the office urgently.
A police sergeant (Bill Dean) has some bad news for him – his mother’s been run down by a green-line bus. Terry takes the news rather calmly, indeed he’s so laid-back that when he notices Chelsea have scored he bemoans the fact that they couldn’t do so when he was watching them. But he’s not really hard-hearted, as Terry’s mum has been resident at Kilburn Cemetery since 1967. The sergeant (a wonderfully world-weary performance by Dean) is less than impressed by this hoax call and flings Terry out of the ground, which is exactly what Arthur wanted.
With all this going on, what should be the main plot – Danny’s troubles – somewhat pales into insignificance. But although he somewhat plays second-fiddle, it’s still a decent portrait of the footballer-as-celebrity, something which was already fairly well established then (although nothing like nowadays of course). He and Terry enjoy themselves in a luxury penthouse whilst they debate the ethics of professional sport.
Danny has no loyalty to anybody but himself. This irritates Terry, who believes he should show some respect to his team-mates, his manager and the fans. Danny is unrepentant though and the message seems to be that Danny can behave like he does because he has talent – if he didn’t then it wouldn’t be acceptable. That’s questionable logic it has to be said. It’s also interesting that Danny mentions he owes a considerable sum – five thousand pounds – to Rafferty. For a modern footballer, that sort of money would be little more than loose change ….
Terry’s minding skills aren’t at their sharpest in this one – he nips off to the toilet, Danny opens the hotel-room door and is snatched by Rafferty’s goons. Terry manages to track Danny down before he’s given a beating, but the imposing figure of Clifton Fields (George Sweeney) bars his way. But once Clifton recognises Terry (they both boxed against each other in the old days) they suddenly become less interested in fighting and take a stroll down memory lane instead.
With Rafferty nullified, everything seems settled. But then Arklow re-appears and Terry gets in the way of his shotgun blast. But luckily (and somewhat unbelievably) he escapes with only a scratch. This gives us yet another glorious Arthur/Terry moment as Arthur visits him in hospital. Firstly, Arthur has a present for Terry (a pot-plant) which he declines. No matter, Arthur will take it back home to Er Indoors. Even better is when Terry fishes into Arthur’s bag for a grape. No, he’s told – they’re for Er Indoors too. The sight of Arthur calmly removing the single grape from Terry’s hand and replacing it in the bag is yet another classic comic moment from an episode that’s overflowing with them.